lacoste

In the spirit of positivity and manifestation, I asked myself the million dollar question …

Harmony, what do you want most in the world?

Scanning through the many options of men, money and other material matters; I settled on something I don’t have.

Something I have never had.

Something I have always desperately wanted.

Something every little girl should have.

A Mommy.

My Mommy.

With my BioMom living in the UK it is very difficult building a relationship.  We email each other regularly and she calls me on special occasions, but communicating through technology is not the same as having a shoulder to cry on, a gentle hand to wipe away the tears and warm arms to envelope me when down.

I have missed 36 years of her guidance, her love and her presence. Whilst most girls get their mother from birth I will settle for having her in the latter years.

For various and valid reasons BioMom will never return to SA, so in order to have the desired relationship with her, the move will have to come from me.  However, living in the UK is not an option for me.

One word. Weather. We all know that Harmony needs sunshine, and plenty of it to thrive and living in a country that is cold, grey and damp for much of the year will do nothing for me.

So, I hear you asking, if BioMom won’t move to SA and you won’t relocate to the UK, how are you going to develop that illusive relationship?

BioMom and her husband plan to retire in a few years …Store to warmer climates!  Spain is on the cards, but other neighbouring countries have not yet been ruled out.

So the long term goal is for my kids and I to move to Spain, or whichever other sun-kissed country is selected.  The date is set for between 2014 [Star will have matriculated] and 2016 [Angel will have finished primary school] as I don’t want the children’s schooling unnecessarily disrupted.

With the long term goal of having my Mommy, and living in a new country; there are numerous short terms goals to achieve first. The primary target being debt free and in possession of sufficient funds to set up our new lives. In order for that to occur, I need a decent income which means a new career.  I am unable to get another job until I get a car though.

So a car is my vehicle to my Mommy and Spain.

Sometimes I am too clever for my own good. Although it sometimes takes this bottle-blonde a while to get there.

I have been bemoaning the fact that I can’t blog as prolifically as I used to. And it’s not just the blogging I miss, it’s reading other blogs and commenting and/or rating posts too.

Work is just too hectic to do much more than quickly type up my post and reply to as many of the comments as possible.

Sometime this weekend; Friday night if memory [which is not great] serves me correct, I was investigating the functions on my BB. Every now and then I find an icon for an application that I haven’t seen before or one that I just haven’t bothered to open.

I decided to see if it was as easy to download a word document to my BB as it is to download a song. So I typed up a long email to XSIL2B and saved it straight to my BB through the USB, just as I would a memory stick! It works!!! I even sent an email to her as a PDF! Just to show off my mad skills!

Anyway, back to the subject …

With this function and ability [god I just love my BB more and more every day, did I mention I have a translator on my BB???] I am able to blog whenever the urge [and time] strikes, save it to my BB, email it to my hotmail account, open my email at work and post! Voilá… saves time and even better I get to write when I feel like and not when I have a 15 minute gap at work.

So it’s Monday night 20h46.

Angel is tucked up on the couch. She can’t sleep in her own bed because her bedroom is in such a mess that she can’t get to her bed. Literally.

Star is lying in bed, probably spending the thousands he stands to earn this holiday with his part-time job. That Moms hooked him up with.

For a day that started so kak, it certainly improved exponentially. Boss Lady confirmed that I could use the Corsa. I was so excited! And I couldn’t understand why my colleague was so off with me today … and then it hit me this afternoon … as drove I off in my borrowed little Cutie. Her car was stolen last year some time and she has been without a car for months and months and months. This is the chick that I used to give a lift to every morning … and her kids too. And she never thanked me once.

Anyway, so she wasn’t offered the vehicle. Even though she’s been there for a lot longer than I have. But then she doesn’t have a driver’s license.

Ok, there I go off on a tangent again.

First good news was that I could use the car! Then I gave Boss Lady a bit of an ultimatum and told her that I urgently need to sort out my financial situation and if she wasn’t going to offer me a permanent position as she promised a few weeks ago, then I had to resume my job search for something.

She promised something would be forthcoming …

Then I asked her if she had any work for Star for the holidays. He has desperately been looking for a holiday job and has been turned down everywhere. Same old story … no experience. The kid only just turned 16!!! Of course he has no fucking experience! Do you think I had him toiling in a sweatshop for the past 11 years?

So she said she was actually looking for a student to sort out the archives. I volunteered Star, and when he found out he was over the moon. The money is good. Very good.

So those were two good things that happened today. At work.

After work my first stop was a little place I call Hillbrow. No, I didn’t go to JHB CBD Hillbrow. There’s a little street a 2 blocks away from my boomed area that I find so dodgy that driving through it feels like I’m in Hillbrow. I’m exaggerating slightly … but then I am a bit of a snob.

But you see, in Hillbrow is a shop called The Special Shop. So named by Angel because I take her there now and then for a treat. Sherbert, suckers, fizzers or whatever she fancies with her R5 reward. [Ja, times are tough.]

The Special Shop is also special for another reason. It’s where I play the lotto and Powerball. I’m absolutely convinced that I am going to win one of them. Today I walked in believing that I had won.

I did.

R283. Not quite 16 million dollars rand but more than I’ve ever won on the lotto. I get three numbers occasionally which pay for the next R7 quick picks.

So that was a step in the right direction.

After collecting my winning’s I smsed Mi Amor with the good news. He misunderstood my Spanish and took it mean that I had won R280,000. Hahaha! He called asking if it meant we could go to Mauritius after all [after this morning’s little accident and no insurance, Mauritius is off the table.]

So those were three good things that happened to me today. But since there were four bad car incidences this weekend, it’s only fair that the Universe balances the scales with some more good news! There are still a few hours to midnight, so I’m hopeful!

the Universe blessed me with the fourth … even though we didn’t have plans to see each other … Mi Amor came over after work … and all I can say is …

Si usted nunca ha tenido un amante latino, no sabes lo que estás perdiendo!

Actually forgot it was DUF day when I did my morning post - Talking.

Downs - not one

Ups - I have paid for the two back doors, and paid a deposit on the shower door. The rafters have arrived and the long ladder and scaffolding set up.

Forwards - Dave collecting the doors and hanging them - finally I won’t have to fight with our back door. Having a proper shower door which means I don’t have to try and keep the water in the shower every morning. Watching the rafters being raised and put in place. Even though this is a do at home over the weekend job, it won’t be done as it will be raining this weekend. Going to Taste of India this evening with friends. Watching Vettel win the British F1 (here’s hoping). Winning a part of the powerball - would mean so much to so many people.

They say that great minds think alike, and this week it was the case with Ally and I - we have both done a lamb dish for the challenge. For the challenge I splurged out and bought a boned leg of lamb. Lamb loves being stuffed with garlic, anchovies and rosemary and seemed the perfect meat to accompany a salsa verde which has those three ingredients plus capers. To see my recipe please click on the photograph.

Yesterday was a great day - I met a Customer at the mall instead of at her office which meant I could get two things dealt with at once. I had chosen a set of salt and pepper grinders from @ home but Dave did not like them. I took them back and chose some lovely Italian ones from Pick N Pay. After the shopping was done I went to pay for my shower door - one more week of a curtain! Our next expense for the house is the geysers so I went to get an updated quote and then headed home. We had an early supper last night and went to the local Quiz evening. This was our first time and we laughed so much - we are really not clued up on entertainment and by the time we got to that section the quiz master’s boyfriend felt so sorry for us, he gave us some answers. We had a great evening and we will make this into a regular weekly night out.

I am grateful for finding humour in my life

Don’t forget to check back in this afternoon to see the next challenge.

For this week’s challenge I made a comforting, delectable and warming malva pudding - making sure to leave enough left over for tonight of course. on the photo to be taken to the recipe. The only thing we can be certain of is change

The soccer and Blogland has completely taken over my life. I don’t cook, clean, do washing or even shower and get dressed any more. My family is wasting away right in front of my eyes and they are starting to look like beggars. They live on bread and have to scratch dirty clothes out of the washing hamper for clothes to wear. Well, there is nothing wrong with their hands, they can sort themselves out, don’t you agree?

The husband doesn’t even know what sex means any more, if he wants to start groping at night I ask him if he is insane, I am bloody exhausted. If Marco wants a hug and kiss and tell him to get away in front of the television, I have to see who is going to score. What is wrong with these people wanting a piece of me that is not there to give anymore? Goodness gracious, I don’t even have enough time to go to the bathroom.

I am running around like a chicken without a head between the laptop and tv, I don’t want to miss anything. People call to chat and I wonder if they are stupid, there is no time for idle chat on the phone. Which part don’t they understand? I am slightly busy being possessed. The husband and the son even thought they can call me to have a chat, I ask you? What makes them think I will fall for that and waste my precious time?

Maybe I should just take a minute or two and just jump in the shower, I am starting to smell already. Oh damn it, no that can wait, why do I have deodorant if not to mask the smell? In any case I don’t have the energy for taking off my clothes and wash myself. I am lost in soccer and Blogland.

I have visitors standing at the gate and I don’t even have time to tell them to go away, thank god they get the hint if I don’t show my face. I love having a house with along driveway and high walls, it keeps me safely tucked away with my soccer and Store blogging and I can just ignore them.

Now, if you believe this, there is no hope for you HAHAHA!!!

Blessed Be and Namaste

I feel I need to say this today after some of the comments I got on my previous post. I am not writing about Emile to get sympathy or manipulate anyone into reading my blog or feel sorry for me. I am not writing about him because I can’t go on with my life. My life is great and I am very happy, he is free of this world and the pain it brings and for that I am grateful. Nobody will ever hurt him again and no tragedy will befall him. He is in a place where he feels only joy, love and peace–Blog Store. It will be selfish of me to want him back where he was experiencing so much pain.

Another reason why I write about my grief is to help the bereaved mothers who read my blog. I don’t know if anyone ever reads the comments but one of them regularly leaves comments and if I can help them it will make it worth my time here every day. I don’t care if anyone thinks I am looking for sympathy and pity, it is their confused idea of my posts - Lacoste.

I am not stuck in a stage where I can’t go forward with my life, I am living life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it. If reading about my grief journey and Emile doesn’t interest you or make you feel uncomfortable you don’t need to read my blog. I am not sharing this to bore you to tears or make you think my life is pathetic and pitiful. Because then you are sadly mistaken. My aim is to show everyone that there is life after the loss of a child, your are not going to grieve for the rest of your life. Healing comes eventually.

At the time when my grief was the worst someone told me to look around me and I will see Emile everywhere. Nature became my therapy and when I was missing him most I would lie at the pool and the sound of the water would soothe my soul. I started looking closely at nature and I saw him just like that person told me.

He was in the fluttering of a brightly coloured butterfly, flitting around the flowers. He smiled at me from open yellow flowers and teased me with a circling dragonfly, the sun reflecting its shiny blue. I felt his love with the warm sun on my skin and his kisses in the soft breeze of the wind. I saw his deep blue sea eyes as I stared out over the ocean. He playfully tugged at me with waves on the beach.

He would speak to me when the leaves rustled in the trees, a soft word to let me know he was with me. The singing of birds told me he was in a heavenly place and I knew they were right. The brightest star in the dark night sky was him winking at me, nudging a smile from me. Bats swooping low over me as I lay looking up in the sky comforted me and brought a message of freedom.

Thunder and lightning spoke to me the clearest because we shared an affinity for the power and might of it. Every time the thunder started rumbling from afar I would feel my heart lift with happiness. When a thunderbolt shot through the sky I would scream hello at him… I can hear it Emile, I can hear it 贺诗亮…

The rain was his recognition of the tears I shed for him, and he told me it was okay and that he would never leave me. When the moon streamed through my window at night it was him tucking me in and kissing me on the forehead… it will be okay mommy, you will be okay…

My beautiful son is all around me every day and he is waiting for me to go home one day and he will be there to greet me with wide open arms, and what a joyous occasion that will be. For now I comfort my aching heart in nature with which he is showing me his love and presence. I have a great life to live still and he is walking every step with me.

I love you Emile, and I am so proud to know you and see you around me every day. My journey has been a hard one but you never left me, you held my hand tight when I thought I wasn’t going to make it. Fly free my beautiful angel… fly free…

Blessed Be and Namaste!!!

Here we were still very young and dating. I thought he was the most handsome man I ever laid my eyes on, and he always told me I was the most beautiful girl he ever saw and he just had to have me. Good times. Can you believe he is portuguese?

I believe I have a very strong work ethic. This has been due to various factors in my life. My grandfather owned a successful company which demanded a lot of his time and energy. My grandmother worked hard at her job, and at doing extra work to raise 4 boys by herself. My other grandmother worked equally as hard to raise her 3 girls alone. My father has his own business of Lacoste Canada and my mother has worked in the business for many years. I learnt from an early age that you actually have to go to work to earn money. And, you can not merely be present, you actually have to work. I started my working life doing shift work - no work, no pay. Then I left home and worked in various restaurants for 8 years - same concept, no work = no tips = no rent money! I have gone to work every single day for as long as I can remember. The only time I have not worked is when I have been in hospital, or when I have specifically taken leave. I have gone to work sick, hung over, sleep deprived. But, I have always gone to work. 

My current lifestyle is very flexible. But, I am at work by 7am or shortly thereafter every morning, and I stay in the office until my work is done. If I need to see customers I could end up being on the road until well after 7pm. But, I have a work ethic which means I actually work.

The point of this post is not about me, but about Jo. Jo goes to work every day. She gets there at 8am, and at 12.30 she takes off time to eat her lunch at her desk. She then takes an hour away from work for her ‘lunch hour’. Jo has just had a baby - she made sure she took the fully allotted time due to her off for maternity leave. Luckily for her she is quite indispensable at her place of employment, so her job of Store Blog and salary were secure. Now, she is entitled by law to express during office hours until the baby is 6 months old. She still has followed her normal routine, just added this off time to her other off time. And, she wants to bank the time she does not take to use at a later stage.

Am I missing the plot here? I understand motherhood is difficult, but a choice was made. How can there be any work ethic if you constantly take more time off than you should? Any thoughts here?